Jeremy Leinsdorf

One thing that Copenhagen is not known for, however, is its large population of men who enjoy eating granola bars on top of their pasta. This makes sense, however, as Copenhagen is one of the largest granola bar manufacturers in the eastern hemisphere, and is far and away the largest consumer of pasta in Europe, with the one exception being the tiny country of Reginald-Biscuit 9, which has a population of one child, two dogs and a spoon. The child, Frankie Johnny Pestolovich IV, works in the country’s financial district, which consists entirely of a small shack in which he sells roadside garbage for exorbitant prices.

 

The dogs are not owned by Frankie. Instead, they usually hang around to gnaw on his legs when he gets sleepy or too exhausted to move. Frankie uses the only other resident of the country, a spoon, to beat away the dogs when he can muster enough energy. Reginald-Biscuit 9 is not, in fact, the smallest country on earth. The South Pacific nation of Jeremy Leinsdorf is actually significantly smaller, as its sole resident, Jeremy Leinsdorf, is an estimated 12 pounds lighter than his European counterpart.

 

As part of a recent international event, Leinsdorf and Pestolovich were pitted against each other in mortal combat at the behest of billionaire Richard Branson. Branson chose the weapons for the event, which included butcher’s cleavers and meat hooks, as well as medical instruments. The boys were let loose in a 10 square mile pen in the jungles of Borneo and told that they would be tortured and beaten mercilessly if they did not try their best to kill one another.

 

The boys did not come into contact with one another until the 6^th day of the event, after Leinsdorf had been tracking Pestolovich’s droppings for at least 3 days. Leinsdorf confronted Pestolovich in a small clearing, armed with a bonesaw and a Fijian war club. Pestolovich, sporting an ancient Chinese shield breaker and a gladius,  ensnared the youth in a previously set bear trap and ceremoniously “kneecapped” his adversary. Leinsdorf took advantage of Pestolovich’s need for honor, however, and clubbed in his skull. After decapitating his corpse and dragging himself to the edge of the pen, Leinsdorf was freed and dropped back on his island in the south pacific with little to no medical attention. It is presumed that he died some time later.