Tran Lop Kwao, the former miss America pageant contestant
(and the first male to enter that competition), was found dead in his Santa
Monica apartment this morning. The cause of death was
apparently from drug overdose. Toxicology reports indicate that Tran had been smoking
dolphin meat in a large outdoor smoker last evening, which he later consumed in
copious amounts. An autopsy revealed that Tran had eaten as much as 3.6 times
the threshold dose of dolphin meat within a span of 30 minutes, and that he had
also gone swimming within 15 minutes of eating the meat. 6 grams of cocaine were
also extracted from the body, as well as a pound and a half of fiberglass
shavings and an ounce of heroin, but none of these substances are thought to
have caused Tran’s passing. Asked to comment, Tran’s mother, Sang Chur Bing
Lung Phat Hey There Nelson stated, “Are you going to eat that, or do I have to
fart on your sister?”
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