Opposites

What is the opposite of a shoe made of lobster? Nothing, apparently. According to a recent MIT report, if a person were to make a shoe made of lobster meat, it would have no opposite. This report comes at a time when opposites are being declared for nearly everything, from chicken salad (opposite: Katie Couric) to public nudity (opposite: retarded bacon). So far, lobster shoes are just one of three items declared to not have opposites, along with fighter planes constructed from lamb-flavored ice-cream and Jeremy Fuentes of Sioux City, Iowa. Asked to comment on the recent addition of lobster shoes to the list of things without opposites, Fuentes stated, “I guess it’s all good and dandy until you really dig down a bit and look at what’s really going on here. Those fascist, nazi, Zionist, libertarian, goat-herding monkey lovers up on Capitol hill are just saying that me and lamb-ice-cream-fighter-planes and lobster shoes have no opposites so they can keep putting everyday people down. It’s all just the man being the man, man.” No fighter planes made from lamb-flavored ice-cream or lobster meat shoes could be contacted for comment, though the author considered simply making her own shoes out of lobster meat. Costs were prohibitive however, so we can only dream of what the shoes might have said.